Tess' Journey

A Daydream Believers Blog

In a world of fiction, you were the truth I believed in...

Saturday, May 13, 2006
Week nineteen of 2006 hasn't been a very good week for me.
Last Thursday I got a rejection from the film academy.
Friday on Saturday night, after 19 months, the guy I care for so much and I have decided that this relationship isn't heading the right way.
Many tears have filled my night and this day. I'm only twenty years old and I never thought that I would ever give so much for someone at this age. Be so fascinated by just one person.
Tthrough all of his layers, I saw a beautiful, funny, caring, talented and amazing guy.

T, I'll miss you...

I already do.

Warning, fragile heart

Friday, May 12, 2006
Everyone is insecure about certain things. Not all the time, but perhaps sometimes. At this moment I am feeling very insecure. I am only 20 years old, but I don't know what I'm gonna do. What I really want. What road I want to follow.

An "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" procedure would be nice. Not only for my mind but for my heart. Years ago I was out in town with a good friend of mine. Back then I was dealing with some "'I'm not blonde, perfect, slim, nice breasts, Swedish"- kind of issue. She told me that we would never ever be the girls you see in magazines or you would envy walking down the street etc etc.

At that moment, I thought "You're wrong, we can be just as beautiful"... I didn't eat for a whole week after she had said that. Of course, I never (still not to this day) got slim or skinny.
I can still always try to buy the nicest clothes, it would never look that good on me as it does on the model showing it.

Fastforward a couple of years and here you find me today with that same issue. Only replace Sweden for a town here in Holland. Not only now, but for a small two years that issue is back in my life.

Days of prefering to stay inside. Days you thought the shirt looked good on you, the days the shirt looked awful... Days of imitating. The same necklace, bag, etc etc...

I am not the girl you'd see in Cosmopolitan.

I am not the girl you want to see in a mens-magazine.

I am not the girl you see on a TV-show.I am the girl who's not perfect.

I am the girl, who's afraid of getting her heart broken.

I am the girl who's trying to make you forget that you had your own heart broken.

I am the girl who's trying to be perfect for you.

I am the girl who I am.

---- Fragile Heart by Jewel----
If you want my heart
You have to promise not to tear it apart
Cause my heart, has been hurt a lot
And it always seems love is not sweet
Like in dreams
Something falls through
But I don't want that to happen to me and you

The word is out...

Thursday, May 11, 2006
Today I had my second and last interview at the Film Academy. It has become an "unfortunately"... They told me at the academy instead of sending a letter (well, I will still get the letter in a week or so) but they've said it to my face...
I don't really know yet what I want or what I'm going to do.

Other than that, things are going well...
The Supperclub Cruise was a nice experience, but really, it looks better on the pictures than in real life ;)